This site has moved to: http://www.jonathankeenangordon.name/jongordon/
INTRODUCTORY COMMENTS
This website is an expression of ideas, emotions, and perhaps interaction with others. The author is my son, Jon Gordon. Jon is incarcerated in Washington State. As the Webmaster, my role is simply to add content - not to censure or correct the grammar of my son. What you see is what you get.
Part of my motivation and hence the title of the page (Phantom Crime) is to explore the incarceration of a man when no actual crime has been committed - NOT that he did not do it - IT did not happen (according to the witnesses, police reports, and testimony at trial - with the sole exception of the accuser).
We have not set up email or comment forms, yet. At first, we just want to get Jon's thoughts and feelings on the page. We appreciate the patience of anyone who has to wait to comment or ask questions. Thank You!
Jim Gordon,
Webmaster
Created July 1, 2015
PS I have set up an email address for this website, i.e. webmaster@jonathankeenangordon.name I will collect and forward emails to Jon. He then will select which emails he will respond to (and when he can respond - all his communications are monitored). Response time for our communications have ranged from five days to a month. Thank you for your patience.
A BLOG FROM A PRISONER:
its important for the daily life of a prisoner to be known t public...most people have know idea about what its really li prison and wh goes on, all they know is the false d played out on tv and movies by media companies...its important that the public see that we are humans, prison is made up of people who were once a part of society, being locked up doesn't tranform you into something you are not i.e. non human...this place is a microcosm of what you see everyday in normal society...prison is a societ by the state governments staff and also governed by prisoners in a thing we call "prison politics" a.k.a. "politickin"... some of the rules that apply to free citizens in society also applies to citizens in prison, yet also there is a special set of rules drafted and created by governments agencies that deal with the particular circumstances of being in a controlled enviorment...
some people in here refer to this place as a "fish bowl" because as fish in a tank we are trapped and going around in circles from one end of the compound to the other...aimlessly...from the living unit, to the chow hall, to the yard,to education floor,to work to medical and back again, day in and out...naturally one would assume prison wasn't designed to be a place where we vacation at and have the times of our life, its meant as an oppresive punishment...yet within the darkness of these rooms and behind these fences emerges shining beacons of light...to be honest the government has created and has allowed citizens of prison to create beneficial programs that allows to educate ourselves and stay connected with family and friends in free society...and because of these social institutions people like me have grown, evolved, and changed from criminals to productive people who spread kindness and mercy instead of hate and violence...for me personally, i dislike prison for obvious reasons, but in someways when the judge sentenced me to decades in prison it did me a favor...foe example, i was addicted to alcohol and marijuana, when i first "fell" "got locked up" my body was pretty badly damaged from alcohol at only 31 years old, for first 3 days i was sick to my stomach, next month i had stomach aches, i was deficating diarhea 5 times a day and sometimes blood would come out....fortunately though i healed and am fine today...aalso i was up 7am drinking when i was at home and only stopped when i passed out...i smoked weed all day, walking down street, in car, in house...all it did was make me paranoid, give me headaches,anxiety racinh thoughts and delusional....and my short term memory was bad, so being incarcerated gave me oppurtunity to step away from that madness and be alcohol and drug free...it took a couple years, but now my mental capacity is normal, even better than ever because its not clouded by drugs...also fortunately being in here has given me a blessing i never knew i had...chance to connect with my family...a lot of people in here don't have anyone on the streets...so i am fortunate they are still with me, i was a terrible son, brother and relationship partner...itwas all about me and i was self centered and lacked compassion for others...now i am grateful for family and treat them with love and respect...
so anyway prison can be a positive place in some aspects...its what you make of it and how you do your time, there is plenty of things to keep you busy and rewire your brain to get ready for streets and function as a normal person, not as a drug addict, thief,murderer,drug dealer,rapist,gang member...all those labels are abnormal and contrary to human nature...now in this facility we have people that walk around daily with chip on shoulders filled with anger and hate,ok, understandable given situation, but there is also some of use who as we say " do time don't let time do you." finding ways to keep occupied mind busy and not being lazy and sleeping all day and complaining....we got to work, go school, go to law library, lift weights, play sports, write,read watch t.v. talk on phone,go to visits...many things to do to keep positive and happy...but we are constantly reminded of where we are, the "politickin" the segregation, the hate, the gangs, the various groups, cliques...the popular "cool guys" the "wierdos" who have unsavory crimes....it never stops the system of nomenclature is perpetuated and constantly evolving and the meanings changing...some of us pay that no mind if you get involved in that way of thinking its called" letting another man do your time" its a system of dictation where you let another man in your "car" (the group you run with) dictate what you do and don't do...its a hierarchy where the leader calls shots, and if you ain't with it your own "homeboys" turn on you like a pack of wolves...crazy...anyway...also the staff here constantly remind you where you are...ok you got some who just here for a paycheck, they come in socialize with inmates and go home its a done dada, they don't care what happens and don't mess with anybody....then you got the ones who come in because they wanna help us rehabilitate, they actually care about us and do what they can within power and rules to make our lives better and re entry to society successful...then you got the ones who come in, don't socialize with the residents, they are quiet and by the book, they enforce the rules, but don't go out their way to target and harass people...then you have the ones who come here witha chip on their shoulder they go out of their way to make us more miserable than we already are, they target certain individuals and groups, they are prejudiced racists, they lie to get people in trouble, they are disrespectful, argumentive and talk to people crazy, yelling cussing and what i call dog commands: "sit down, shut up, go to your room (kennell) get outta here, go eat..." ect. so can you see the point?....
so prison is a business, billion dollar business, this facility is a wharehouse and the people are a commodity, the state makes money off us everyday...thats a topic for another day though... this enviorment is designed to be oppressive, its a mind game, psychological warfare honed, refined,perfected, executed...basically we are modern day slaves in a wharehouse on a plantation...controlled by slave owners ( jay inslee, bernie casey, dan pacholke) who give orders to slave drivers (facility superintendent here its pat glebe) and overseerswho are boys in blue who belong to the 117 union of corrections workers...we work for slave wages $0.42 an hour topping out at maximum of $55 a month...but if you make it to c.i. (correctional industries) you can make over $1 an hour...yet the state automatically taxes from 25% for lifers...35% if you don't owe any fines or from 75-90% if you owe fines,restitution or child support.. so you are basicallyworking for free and the state is taking all your money and giving it back to themselves....an overview of how c.i. works: a company contracts with doc to hire prisoner workers to work for $1 an hour instead of having to pay free employees at least minimum wage...and they keep the other $8 and doc and them split it...so doc makes who knows how much an hour off every worker and only has to shell out $1...crazy right? but before i get off subject this blog is not about dogging on doc, its about the lives of prisoners, what we see, what we hear, how we think, how we feel...to humanize us and let public see what prison really is...the good bad and ugly...from first day of incarceration, to present and significant events in between...
i intend to share my personal story and stories of those people around me with you so we can disect, examine and relect on these lives, see what went right what went wrong how can rehabilitate and help others by keeping them off this path...this life isn't anything to be proud of, people get out and tell everyone how they was in prison and brag about it, its a status symbol for some, in media,movies and songs its glorified...but reality is, its not a joke...its not a game and the days spent in here can never be replaced...this is serious business, its not easy and it will take all the fight out a person if they let it...some people give up, all they see on their future is this...i know people who have been down (locked up) 20,30,40 years and judging their mentality you would think they was going home tomorrow..this "fish bowl" is not the end of the world...society has forgotten most of us, but we are still very much alive...i have met people who were famous, notorious criminals, been in books, on tv forensic files, ann rule ect..yadda yadda yadda...yet when the cameras turn off and they come here and wear same clothes i do,ear same food i do, work same job i do, go to same yard i do....ect and you see these are just normal everyday people, regardless if they have killed, how many banks they robbed, how many they raped...they are people like any law abiding citizens and have same basic needs and deserve a chance...and yes what some people have done is horrendous, evil terrible...but they are still humans are amendable to treatment and change and still deserve to be treated humanely...
a lot of people would disagree...but you haven't ever talked to these notorious people...now don't get me wrong i am not vouching for anyone or condoning any criminal activity, honestly denounce and detest all froms of crime...yet i have been in rooms with, showered next to, played basketball with, ate breakfast with and sat down and talked to people and i have heard their stories and its eye opening and amazing...my point being: we are all humans, in here together and its not my job to know or care about what someone is in here for, its not my place to judge them or treat anyone less than as a human and exalt myself over others...i have no choice but to interact with whoever was sentenced for a crime did or maybe did not commit whether i like them or not, and vice versa some feel the same about me...but its all about adaptability and being able to survive in a diverse un-natural enviorment and learn to conform to the rules, both written and non spoken and manuever with agility staying off the radar and out of the way of trouble...if you want trouble and drama here, you ain't gotta go far...one valuable lesson being in this facility is: patience when dealing with people, both staff and residents...there is people from all over america and the world, different cultures,languages,beliefs,creeds, religions,ect...and personalities and backgrounds...sometimes you meld with them seamlesslyn other times, you clash even when you don't want it and try to avoid it, it hapoens every now and again...so over time you learn what to do, whats acceptable in this enviorment, whats not acceptable...you learn how to read people, then you decide from there if you are gonna interact with them or not...sometimes you just keep it cordial, say hi and bye and keep it busy...other times you only interact with people on certain levels, such as: business,trade,playing cards,sport ect...other times you "chop it up" (talk to) some individuals on a daily basis...eat with them in chow hall, work out with them....ect..sometimes you run across friends from back home or family...other times you are reclusive you need "cell time" ( being in room by yourself away from everyone) it gets so noisy, chaotic hectic and crazy, sometimes you just wanna get away, but you can't so you seclude yourself for a day a week even months in your room and limit interaction with everyone...and just as we say "just do me"...this facility is like a daycare with overgrown kids the c/o (corrections officers) or cops as we call them are just overpaid babysitters...its loud in here like a zoo, people scream and yell make obnoxious animal like noises...laugh and joke and play games with each other all day...not taking time seriously, and those are the ones who will be back...the dayroom is like a casino, people playing every card game you can imagine, playing dominoes, board games like risk,monopoly,scrabble, and role playing (rpg) games...the day room is also like a bar: people sit on metal stools at metal tables drinking coffee till they bounce off walls telling stories about their lives...at a million miles an hour...the day room is also like a study hall, you got groups of people with their books out sharing information, also like a library exchanging books about every subject...the dayroom is also like a chapel or religious center, you got groups of people holding bible study holding hands doing group prayer, also got muslims and christians doing comparative religion studies...
POST #2 - July 4, 2015
now a little about me, the author of this...first let me say thay prison is an eye opening experience...being intimately acquainted with the judicial sytem, from being ignorant and not knowing what is going in the court room...listening to legal jargon, latin and french....to getting on computers in the law library and learning what has really happened to you....reality is not as simple as you see on t.v., cases aren't solved in an hour and the process is extraordinarily and unnecessarily complicated...but we will get into that later...i just wanna ask you one question right...how interesting would it be to learn about the whole judicial process from arrest to sentencing from the eyes of an individual who haw actually lived it?...but moving on though...so like i was saying being in prison is a life changing eye opening experience... person will use his time, regardless of how long it is, to educate him or herself and change the things about them that led to incarceration and that are a downfall...its easy to get of prison transport bus (we call it "the chain") and let the reality of the situation set in...this is it lad property of the state of washington depaetment of corrections, and i am stuck here for "buck rogers time" (multiple decades).
its even harder to look in that mirror and face who you really are...behind the bravado, the facades the masks...and admit to yourself, "this is who i really am, and i need to change."... 90% of people refuse to do that, we hear so many excuses why...here are a few.." man i didn't choose this life, its the way it is." "man i do this for my homeboys, i can't turn my back on them." "it ain't my fault my daddy was a crackhead and my mama was a prostitue its the hand i was dealt." "man i grew up in the hood, its all i know." "the white folk won't gimmie a job, i gotta do what i can, i got kids to feed." "why would i work for another man making minimum wage, when i can be out there grinding makin more in one day, then the white man would give me in a mont."...so those are some of the reasons (excuses) i hear everyday why men refuse to change...its hard to look into your own eyes in the mirror and admit you have flaws, its even harder to sit down and come up,wit a checklist of all those faults, and even harder yet, to change....in these facilities, there is certain criteria that everyone is expected to meet...depending on what car you ride with, or in general... such as what it means to be a man: ya gotta be tough...don't take no crap, don't ever let another man tell you what to do, ya gotta fight to get respect...ect, yadd yadda yadda...ya know? and its so easy to get caught up in thatn and for me all my life even when i was free i was that guy...and personally i'm ashamed...i wasn't being a man i was being a child, focused on irrelevant things that don't matter....
so the wise person sees prison as a learning experience....you have a lot of free time and in that free time you are "confronted" with who you are you do nothing but think, reflect, analyze play old memories and experiences in your mind like movies...and you get to know yourself, and a lot of us become bitter, we dislike who we are...and become miserable and self loathing, and yes i have been that person, hating life mad at world for getting "buck rogers" time...but you learn to deal with it and adapt...and the wise person, turns from disliking who they are, to reinventing theirself into someone they can love and family and friends can be proud of...that in my opinion is the most rewarding aspect of this ordeal.. when family appreciates the person you have become...
SOME LESSONS I PERSONALLY HAVE LEARNED:
the first thing i learned was: to accept the reality on this situation...i am stuck here, and as of now there is nothing i can do about it...another aspect i have learned of this is, i can be sad and focus on problem all day, or after the tears dry, and believe me if you have a lot of time and never cried about it, you are CRAZY....but after tears dry there is a way to change reality of situation, its called self education...going to law library and learning laws, and i know a lot of people would hate to see a convicted felon go home because they were actually innocent, or even worse, guilty but got off on technicalities and errors of prosecutor and court....it happens and we have that right, that is why we have appeals...
some incarcerated individuals believe they can pay a lawyer $20,000 and they will go home...but lawyers will take that cash and leave you hanging....so self education, they have a law library, its free and its an essential tool for anyone who wants to improve their situation....
other lessons i have learned: humbleness...humbled by being here and humble in interaction with other people...prison is a sess pool for evil...on both sides, prisoners and staff...people wanna test you, see how far they can get away with...see how hard or soft you are...see how they can push your buttons and get at you...see how they can dictate how you act and react...so humbleness...if you was to fight everyone who came at you "sideways" (disrepectfully) you wouldn't be able to first of all cause the numbers ar big, second of all you would always be into it (fighting) with someone...there is a stigma here that you have to fight if you don't you are a "sucka" a "punk" a "b&@ch"...everyone wanna see a fight and instigate...but humbleness, letting things go, and being smart, steering yourself away from situations where you know these thins are more liable to happen...gangs,gambling,drugs,joking too much,homosexuality...and not dealing with people who like to cause problems...its hard to walk away, everyone either sees or hears about it..but its better in the long run, humbling self means controlling your pride and anger and walking away with dignity and integrity and let the instigator argue and fight by him or herself....
another lesson i have learned: patience...everything is a process and takes so freaking long...stressing, worry, complaining, none of that works helps, you just have to stay calm do what you can to get results occupy your mind with a hobby or stress reliever for a lot is exercise and beading...and keep persistent...reality is officials have thousands of peoples needs to address, they are understaffed and most just do not care...and family on streets, they are busy living lives they can't always cater to our needs when we want how we want, last thing they need is an impatient cat stressing them about doing this and that....
another lesson i learned: is how to go without the things i love...america is a country given to excess where its all about accumaltion and hoarding as much as possible as quickly as possible...and we feel like we can't live without the newest coolest technology and gadgets and most expensive outrageous name brand things...they call poverty in america making under $20,000 in other countries where people make $2 a day $20,000 is rich...i say that to say this, when you are arrested all those luxury items are stripped from, you sit in jail being fed slop 3 times a day, where grungy dingy state clothes, sleeping on a thin mattress and you are still living, so all that excess and extravagance is nothing but an illusion, if you die you can't take it with you...in jail we are deprived of everything, but what the state says we can have, they tell you what to where when you can family friends and how long...so i could talk about it till my face turn blue...but i have learned how to adjust without all the material things, and i am all right, it sucks i ain't gonna lie but life goes on...when it comes down to it all a person needs to live are basic necessities: food,water,clothes,shelter...ect...
prison in itself is even becoming more technological advanced: we got email, ipod type music players, webcam visits, webcam classes, powerpoint presentations, computer education, jaypay...ect...and as incarcerated individuals we go crazy over these things cause it makes feel more human and more intouch with the outside world...and its also a status symbol when you buy things and other incarcerated people see you own such and such this and that its humbling when you go from making X amount of money a day to making .46 an hour and you learn the value in budgeting money and having to buy necessities versus splurging on wants an excess when you decide do i need top ramen more, because i don't wanna eat this nasty prison food or do i buy deodarant? you learn that things are only worth what you are willing to pay for them...what makes a bentley worth $300,000 and a toyota $23,000? ya know what i mean? both are only a car their only purpose is to get you from point A to point B...buts perception i guess...anyway
i,have learned this lesson:
my perception of reality is distorted, things are not what i see them to be and the more i learn the more i learn i really know nothing at all...the truth is the truth reality is reality regardless how i feel about it,regardlessif i choose to accept it or not...i could tell you the sun is shaped like a diamond and debate with it about you tell my face swells blue...but the truth is its round and i choose not to accept that i am a fool...plain and simple...i have learned to be more receptive to other people's realities and to be in tune to their points of view whether i agree with them or not...instead of our differenced being a means for us to divide, lets us this as a means to come together, open up dialogue and hopefully open up each others minds broaden horizons and learn from that...and if we can't do that, instead of disputing we keep it pushing, yet still be cordial
so, i invite others points of views and experiences its facsinating to me...
i have learned as a man you have to open your eyes and see through,all the hooplah and bravado and see yourself for who you are and the world outside...you have to question: why do i believe in this? why do i do this? who am i? who are my associates? we have to question what we have learned and who we learned it from so,we can decide is this real? does this or that work for me? most people live life with blinders on their eyes, they accept what everyone else excepts without thinking, questioning and researching on their own...i have been fortunate to be around people in here who have taught me how to develope and grow and think outside, we have programs that show us how to develope in to innovators and leaders instead of blind followers...i am sorrounded by libraries full of books and intelligent people who know how to read, understand decipher, apply and teach to others is very inspiring and motivates me to step my game up...at one time or another, and in some ways still,we are decieved by things in the world...alot of times it was greed and pride that decieved people to commit their crimes, and pursuing the materials altered their perception of reality...a lot of people were influenced by gangs, the gang members altered their sense of reality...told them to hate, to murder to flood community with drugs...main thing i see though, a major perception altering entity is people's own narcississim, illusions of granduer and being self exalting...that also plays a big role in how the view others and interact...
Updated July 10, 2015
prison advocacy group:
a group of people who are incarcerated abnd who have decided to change from drugs and crime to righteous behavior conduct and moral integrity. we have changed from bad decision making to positive, healthy thinking and maturity.
Intentions: to pool our resources, skills, talents and efforts into a cause that sheds light on the mentality, emotions, thoughts, feelings, intelligence and humanity of incarcerated individuals. we intend to accomplish this by blogging and putting into a diary our daily experiences, which show the humanside of us, not the criminals and monsters we are portrayed to be. we intend to accomplish this through articles, poetry, life stories and inspirational messages, uncut and raw. our focus is to give a voice and a vehicle to amplify the voice, to and under represented section of society which is the incarcerated person. we are dedicated to righting the wrongs we have wreaked on the communities we are from, by changing our own personal behavior, and mentoring,our families, friends and associates so they will either refrain from making the same mistakes, or if they make the same mistakes encouraging them to stop and giving them a tools and an outlet. we seek to change the harsh oppressive conditions of the prison industrial complex, by sociliting outside help form individuals and organizations whom are interesting in representing incarcerated individuals, and who have the time, energy resources, means and compassion to donate to our cause, which is humanity. we hope people will see our efforts, and reward us with any assistance they are able to afford, and in doing so rise up and lessen the yoke of the oppressors and bring light to such a dark place.
plan of action: introduce the world to who we really are, we are typically sterotyped and viewed in a negative light because of where we are. we are human beings, just like anyone else, and we deserve a chance to be redeemed and accepted back into society, so we are creating our oppurtunities through our knowledge of self, and learning how society works and how to correctly function in society as productive people who abide by the laws. we seek reconciliation with the outside world and to reach out and touch people beyond these walls. prison is a lonely place and an essential part of survival is human contact beyond the everyday hum drum of officers and incarcerated people, we need to be rejuvenated by contact from normal society, and give of ourselves in return. we have established a platform where we can connect with victims of crime and crime victim's advocacy groups, to start and complete the process of healing. and ensure nobody else be victimized and hurt. we have established a safe interactive platform where incarcerated individuals and human rights and activists groups can correspond and grow together and develop into one common entity. family involvement: we encourage the families incarcerated people to join our movement and to share stories from their own lives and what it is like to have an incarcerated loved one. we ask families to spread the efforts of our advocacy group by word of mouth and help promote our cause to the general public at large by any means they can. we would like to have a photo album where people can submit photos, and we have sections where people can contact and email myself and the webmasters. and post comments on the web page, including likes, dislikes, suggestions and feedback. and where people interested in helping can connect with each other.
what we are not: criminals, self serving fame seeking glory seeking people, this is real honest from the heart and open to all. this is not for profit or personal gain, its for betterment of humankind.
July 12, 2015 Post
hide behind facades and mask
hide who you really are from the world
hide from yourself
hide from the truth, don't accept it
take refuge behind false perceptions and realities
hide from responsibiity
hide from accepting the consequences of your actions
hide the pain
hide the frustration
hide the disappointment
hide the fear
hide behind a wall of toughness
hide behind a wall of machoism
hide behind a wall of arrogance
hide the insecurities
hide the weaknesses
hide the self consciousness
hide the cowardness
hide from the low self esteem
hide behind an illusion of grandeur
hide the fear with a big mouth
hide the cowardness by picking on the weak
you are transparent people can see right through you because you ain't foolin no one but yourself
what do you have to prove?
whom are you trying to impress?
get in touch with who you really are, who yo can be and gain knowledge of the self
remember when you was lost
remember when you were blinded by the darkness
remember seeking acceptance and guidance from your peers
remember when you would have done whatever it takes to be somebody
remember feeling like a nobody
remember when it was cool to hang around certain people
remember when it was cool to do ecetain things
remember when all you cared about was what others thought of you, we call that image management
remember when your perception of self was different
remember when your perception of your peers was different
remember when your perception of the world was different
remember when you thought you knew everything
remember when you thought you had all the answers
remember what it felt like when you realied you were wrong thinking those things
remember when you was hard headed and stubborn nobody could tell you nothing and yo refused to listen
remember when you took good advice as an insult and someone tryin to tell you what to do
remember when you buckled under peer pressure
remember when you would have done anything to safe a little face
remember being caught up in gossip and rumors
remember everybod always talking about everybody behind their backs
but when they was face to face they was smiling
remember feeling like you was always messing up and couldn'tdo anythin right
remember when you felt like you had nothing to live for
remember telling yourself you will neverhave any regrets
remember wanting to be young forever
remember not thinkin you would live past a certain age, and remember when you got there thinking how time flies
remember thinking you only live once so why not go all out and go hard in the paint, you won't have this chance again
remember when you realied you would not be young forever
INTRODUCTORY COMMENTS
This website is an expression of ideas, emotions, and perhaps interaction with others. The author is my son, Jon Gordon. Jon is incarcerated in Washington State. As the Webmaster, my role is simply to add content - not to censure or correct the grammar of my son. What you see is what you get.
Part of my motivation and hence the title of the page (Phantom Crime) is to explore the incarceration of a man when no actual crime has been committed - NOT that he did not do it - IT did not happen (according to the witnesses, police reports, and testimony at trial - with the sole exception of the accuser).
We have not set up email or comment forms, yet. At first, we just want to get Jon's thoughts and feelings on the page. We appreciate the patience of anyone who has to wait to comment or ask questions. Thank You!
Jim Gordon,
Webmaster
Created July 1, 2015
PS I have set up an email address for this website, i.e. webmaster@jonathankeenangordon.name I will collect and forward emails to Jon. He then will select which emails he will respond to (and when he can respond - all his communications are monitored). Response time for our communications have ranged from five days to a month. Thank you for your patience.
A BLOG FROM A PRISONER:
its important for the daily life of a prisoner to be known t public...most people have know idea about what its really li prison and wh goes on, all they know is the false d played out on tv and movies by media companies...its important that the public see that we are humans, prison is made up of people who were once a part of society, being locked up doesn't tranform you into something you are not i.e. non human...this place is a microcosm of what you see everyday in normal society...prison is a societ by the state governments staff and also governed by prisoners in a thing we call "prison politics" a.k.a. "politickin"... some of the rules that apply to free citizens in society also applies to citizens in prison, yet also there is a special set of rules drafted and created by governments agencies that deal with the particular circumstances of being in a controlled enviorment...
some people in here refer to this place as a "fish bowl" because as fish in a tank we are trapped and going around in circles from one end of the compound to the other...aimlessly...from the living unit, to the chow hall, to the yard,to education floor,to work to medical and back again, day in and out...naturally one would assume prison wasn't designed to be a place where we vacation at and have the times of our life, its meant as an oppresive punishment...yet within the darkness of these rooms and behind these fences emerges shining beacons of light...to be honest the government has created and has allowed citizens of prison to create beneficial programs that allows to educate ourselves and stay connected with family and friends in free society...and because of these social institutions people like me have grown, evolved, and changed from criminals to productive people who spread kindness and mercy instead of hate and violence...for me personally, i dislike prison for obvious reasons, but in someways when the judge sentenced me to decades in prison it did me a favor...foe example, i was addicted to alcohol and marijuana, when i first "fell" "got locked up" my body was pretty badly damaged from alcohol at only 31 years old, for first 3 days i was sick to my stomach, next month i had stomach aches, i was deficating diarhea 5 times a day and sometimes blood would come out....fortunately though i healed and am fine today...aalso i was up 7am drinking when i was at home and only stopped when i passed out...i smoked weed all day, walking down street, in car, in house...all it did was make me paranoid, give me headaches,anxiety racinh thoughts and delusional....and my short term memory was bad, so being incarcerated gave me oppurtunity to step away from that madness and be alcohol and drug free...it took a couple years, but now my mental capacity is normal, even better than ever because its not clouded by drugs...also fortunately being in here has given me a blessing i never knew i had...chance to connect with my family...a lot of people in here don't have anyone on the streets...so i am fortunate they are still with me, i was a terrible son, brother and relationship partner...itwas all about me and i was self centered and lacked compassion for others...now i am grateful for family and treat them with love and respect...
so anyway prison can be a positive place in some aspects...its what you make of it and how you do your time, there is plenty of things to keep you busy and rewire your brain to get ready for streets and function as a normal person, not as a drug addict, thief,murderer,drug dealer,rapist,gang member...all those labels are abnormal and contrary to human nature...now in this facility we have people that walk around daily with chip on shoulders filled with anger and hate,ok, understandable given situation, but there is also some of use who as we say " do time don't let time do you." finding ways to keep occupied mind busy and not being lazy and sleeping all day and complaining....we got to work, go school, go to law library, lift weights, play sports, write,read watch t.v. talk on phone,go to visits...many things to do to keep positive and happy...but we are constantly reminded of where we are, the "politickin" the segregation, the hate, the gangs, the various groups, cliques...the popular "cool guys" the "wierdos" who have unsavory crimes....it never stops the system of nomenclature is perpetuated and constantly evolving and the meanings changing...some of us pay that no mind if you get involved in that way of thinking its called" letting another man do your time" its a system of dictation where you let another man in your "car" (the group you run with) dictate what you do and don't do...its a hierarchy where the leader calls shots, and if you ain't with it your own "homeboys" turn on you like a pack of wolves...crazy...anyway...also the staff here constantly remind you where you are...ok you got some who just here for a paycheck, they come in socialize with inmates and go home its a done dada, they don't care what happens and don't mess with anybody....then you got the ones who come in because they wanna help us rehabilitate, they actually care about us and do what they can within power and rules to make our lives better and re entry to society successful...then you got the ones who come in, don't socialize with the residents, they are quiet and by the book, they enforce the rules, but don't go out their way to target and harass people...then you have the ones who come here witha chip on their shoulder they go out of their way to make us more miserable than we already are, they target certain individuals and groups, they are prejudiced racists, they lie to get people in trouble, they are disrespectful, argumentive and talk to people crazy, yelling cussing and what i call dog commands: "sit down, shut up, go to your room (kennell) get outta here, go eat..." ect. so can you see the point?....
so prison is a business, billion dollar business, this facility is a wharehouse and the people are a commodity, the state makes money off us everyday...thats a topic for another day though... this enviorment is designed to be oppressive, its a mind game, psychological warfare honed, refined,perfected, executed...basically we are modern day slaves in a wharehouse on a plantation...controlled by slave owners ( jay inslee, bernie casey, dan pacholke) who give orders to slave drivers (facility superintendent here its pat glebe) and overseerswho are boys in blue who belong to the 117 union of corrections workers...we work for slave wages $0.42 an hour topping out at maximum of $55 a month...but if you make it to c.i. (correctional industries) you can make over $1 an hour...yet the state automatically taxes from 25% for lifers...35% if you don't owe any fines or from 75-90% if you owe fines,restitution or child support.. so you are basicallyworking for free and the state is taking all your money and giving it back to themselves....an overview of how c.i. works: a company contracts with doc to hire prisoner workers to work for $1 an hour instead of having to pay free employees at least minimum wage...and they keep the other $8 and doc and them split it...so doc makes who knows how much an hour off every worker and only has to shell out $1...crazy right? but before i get off subject this blog is not about dogging on doc, its about the lives of prisoners, what we see, what we hear, how we think, how we feel...to humanize us and let public see what prison really is...the good bad and ugly...from first day of incarceration, to present and significant events in between...
i intend to share my personal story and stories of those people around me with you so we can disect, examine and relect on these lives, see what went right what went wrong how can rehabilitate and help others by keeping them off this path...this life isn't anything to be proud of, people get out and tell everyone how they was in prison and brag about it, its a status symbol for some, in media,movies and songs its glorified...but reality is, its not a joke...its not a game and the days spent in here can never be replaced...this is serious business, its not easy and it will take all the fight out a person if they let it...some people give up, all they see on their future is this...i know people who have been down (locked up) 20,30,40 years and judging their mentality you would think they was going home tomorrow..this "fish bowl" is not the end of the world...society has forgotten most of us, but we are still very much alive...i have met people who were famous, notorious criminals, been in books, on tv forensic files, ann rule ect..yadda yadda yadda...yet when the cameras turn off and they come here and wear same clothes i do,ear same food i do, work same job i do, go to same yard i do....ect and you see these are just normal everyday people, regardless if they have killed, how many banks they robbed, how many they raped...they are people like any law abiding citizens and have same basic needs and deserve a chance...and yes what some people have done is horrendous, evil terrible...but they are still humans are amendable to treatment and change and still deserve to be treated humanely...
a lot of people would disagree...but you haven't ever talked to these notorious people...now don't get me wrong i am not vouching for anyone or condoning any criminal activity, honestly denounce and detest all froms of crime...yet i have been in rooms with, showered next to, played basketball with, ate breakfast with and sat down and talked to people and i have heard their stories and its eye opening and amazing...my point being: we are all humans, in here together and its not my job to know or care about what someone is in here for, its not my place to judge them or treat anyone less than as a human and exalt myself over others...i have no choice but to interact with whoever was sentenced for a crime did or maybe did not commit whether i like them or not, and vice versa some feel the same about me...but its all about adaptability and being able to survive in a diverse un-natural enviorment and learn to conform to the rules, both written and non spoken and manuever with agility staying off the radar and out of the way of trouble...if you want trouble and drama here, you ain't gotta go far...one valuable lesson being in this facility is: patience when dealing with people, both staff and residents...there is people from all over america and the world, different cultures,languages,beliefs,creeds, religions,ect...and personalities and backgrounds...sometimes you meld with them seamlesslyn other times, you clash even when you don't want it and try to avoid it, it hapoens every now and again...so over time you learn what to do, whats acceptable in this enviorment, whats not acceptable...you learn how to read people, then you decide from there if you are gonna interact with them or not...sometimes you just keep it cordial, say hi and bye and keep it busy...other times you only interact with people on certain levels, such as: business,trade,playing cards,sport ect...other times you "chop it up" (talk to) some individuals on a daily basis...eat with them in chow hall, work out with them....ect..sometimes you run across friends from back home or family...other times you are reclusive you need "cell time" ( being in room by yourself away from everyone) it gets so noisy, chaotic hectic and crazy, sometimes you just wanna get away, but you can't so you seclude yourself for a day a week even months in your room and limit interaction with everyone...and just as we say "just do me"...this facility is like a daycare with overgrown kids the c/o (corrections officers) or cops as we call them are just overpaid babysitters...its loud in here like a zoo, people scream and yell make obnoxious animal like noises...laugh and joke and play games with each other all day...not taking time seriously, and those are the ones who will be back...the dayroom is like a casino, people playing every card game you can imagine, playing dominoes, board games like risk,monopoly,scrabble, and role playing (rpg) games...the day room is also like a bar: people sit on metal stools at metal tables drinking coffee till they bounce off walls telling stories about their lives...at a million miles an hour...the day room is also like a study hall, you got groups of people with their books out sharing information, also like a library exchanging books about every subject...the dayroom is also like a chapel or religious center, you got groups of people holding bible study holding hands doing group prayer, also got muslims and christians doing comparative religion studies...
POST #2 - July 4, 2015
now a little about me, the author of this...first let me say thay prison is an eye opening experience...being intimately acquainted with the judicial sytem, from being ignorant and not knowing what is going in the court room...listening to legal jargon, latin and french....to getting on computers in the law library and learning what has really happened to you....reality is not as simple as you see on t.v., cases aren't solved in an hour and the process is extraordinarily and unnecessarily complicated...but we will get into that later...i just wanna ask you one question right...how interesting would it be to learn about the whole judicial process from arrest to sentencing from the eyes of an individual who haw actually lived it?...but moving on though...so like i was saying being in prison is a life changing eye opening experience... person will use his time, regardless of how long it is, to educate him or herself and change the things about them that led to incarceration and that are a downfall...its easy to get of prison transport bus (we call it "the chain") and let the reality of the situation set in...this is it lad property of the state of washington depaetment of corrections, and i am stuck here for "buck rogers time" (multiple decades).
its even harder to look in that mirror and face who you really are...behind the bravado, the facades the masks...and admit to yourself, "this is who i really am, and i need to change."... 90% of people refuse to do that, we hear so many excuses why...here are a few.." man i didn't choose this life, its the way it is." "man i do this for my homeboys, i can't turn my back on them." "it ain't my fault my daddy was a crackhead and my mama was a prostitue its the hand i was dealt." "man i grew up in the hood, its all i know." "the white folk won't gimmie a job, i gotta do what i can, i got kids to feed." "why would i work for another man making minimum wage, when i can be out there grinding makin more in one day, then the white man would give me in a mont."...so those are some of the reasons (excuses) i hear everyday why men refuse to change...its hard to look into your own eyes in the mirror and admit you have flaws, its even harder to sit down and come up,wit a checklist of all those faults, and even harder yet, to change....in these facilities, there is certain criteria that everyone is expected to meet...depending on what car you ride with, or in general... such as what it means to be a man: ya gotta be tough...don't take no crap, don't ever let another man tell you what to do, ya gotta fight to get respect...ect, yadd yadda yadda...ya know? and its so easy to get caught up in thatn and for me all my life even when i was free i was that guy...and personally i'm ashamed...i wasn't being a man i was being a child, focused on irrelevant things that don't matter....
so the wise person sees prison as a learning experience....you have a lot of free time and in that free time you are "confronted" with who you are you do nothing but think, reflect, analyze play old memories and experiences in your mind like movies...and you get to know yourself, and a lot of us become bitter, we dislike who we are...and become miserable and self loathing, and yes i have been that person, hating life mad at world for getting "buck rogers" time...but you learn to deal with it and adapt...and the wise person, turns from disliking who they are, to reinventing theirself into someone they can love and family and friends can be proud of...that in my opinion is the most rewarding aspect of this ordeal.. when family appreciates the person you have become...
SOME LESSONS I PERSONALLY HAVE LEARNED:
the first thing i learned was: to accept the reality on this situation...i am stuck here, and as of now there is nothing i can do about it...another aspect i have learned of this is, i can be sad and focus on problem all day, or after the tears dry, and believe me if you have a lot of time and never cried about it, you are CRAZY....but after tears dry there is a way to change reality of situation, its called self education...going to law library and learning laws, and i know a lot of people would hate to see a convicted felon go home because they were actually innocent, or even worse, guilty but got off on technicalities and errors of prosecutor and court....it happens and we have that right, that is why we have appeals...
some incarcerated individuals believe they can pay a lawyer $20,000 and they will go home...but lawyers will take that cash and leave you hanging....so self education, they have a law library, its free and its an essential tool for anyone who wants to improve their situation....
other lessons i have learned: humbleness...humbled by being here and humble in interaction with other people...prison is a sess pool for evil...on both sides, prisoners and staff...people wanna test you, see how far they can get away with...see how hard or soft you are...see how they can push your buttons and get at you...see how they can dictate how you act and react...so humbleness...if you was to fight everyone who came at you "sideways" (disrepectfully) you wouldn't be able to first of all cause the numbers ar big, second of all you would always be into it (fighting) with someone...there is a stigma here that you have to fight if you don't you are a "sucka" a "punk" a "b&@ch"...everyone wanna see a fight and instigate...but humbleness, letting things go, and being smart, steering yourself away from situations where you know these thins are more liable to happen...gangs,gambling,drugs,joking too much,homosexuality...and not dealing with people who like to cause problems...its hard to walk away, everyone either sees or hears about it..but its better in the long run, humbling self means controlling your pride and anger and walking away with dignity and integrity and let the instigator argue and fight by him or herself....
another lesson i have learned: patience...everything is a process and takes so freaking long...stressing, worry, complaining, none of that works helps, you just have to stay calm do what you can to get results occupy your mind with a hobby or stress reliever for a lot is exercise and beading...and keep persistent...reality is officials have thousands of peoples needs to address, they are understaffed and most just do not care...and family on streets, they are busy living lives they can't always cater to our needs when we want how we want, last thing they need is an impatient cat stressing them about doing this and that....
another lesson i learned: is how to go without the things i love...america is a country given to excess where its all about accumaltion and hoarding as much as possible as quickly as possible...and we feel like we can't live without the newest coolest technology and gadgets and most expensive outrageous name brand things...they call poverty in america making under $20,000 in other countries where people make $2 a day $20,000 is rich...i say that to say this, when you are arrested all those luxury items are stripped from, you sit in jail being fed slop 3 times a day, where grungy dingy state clothes, sleeping on a thin mattress and you are still living, so all that excess and extravagance is nothing but an illusion, if you die you can't take it with you...in jail we are deprived of everything, but what the state says we can have, they tell you what to where when you can family friends and how long...so i could talk about it till my face turn blue...but i have learned how to adjust without all the material things, and i am all right, it sucks i ain't gonna lie but life goes on...when it comes down to it all a person needs to live are basic necessities: food,water,clothes,shelter...ect...
prison in itself is even becoming more technological advanced: we got email, ipod type music players, webcam visits, webcam classes, powerpoint presentations, computer education, jaypay...ect...and as incarcerated individuals we go crazy over these things cause it makes feel more human and more intouch with the outside world...and its also a status symbol when you buy things and other incarcerated people see you own such and such this and that its humbling when you go from making X amount of money a day to making .46 an hour and you learn the value in budgeting money and having to buy necessities versus splurging on wants an excess when you decide do i need top ramen more, because i don't wanna eat this nasty prison food or do i buy deodarant? you learn that things are only worth what you are willing to pay for them...what makes a bentley worth $300,000 and a toyota $23,000? ya know what i mean? both are only a car their only purpose is to get you from point A to point B...buts perception i guess...anyway
i,have learned this lesson:
my perception of reality is distorted, things are not what i see them to be and the more i learn the more i learn i really know nothing at all...the truth is the truth reality is reality regardless how i feel about it,regardlessif i choose to accept it or not...i could tell you the sun is shaped like a diamond and debate with it about you tell my face swells blue...but the truth is its round and i choose not to accept that i am a fool...plain and simple...i have learned to be more receptive to other people's realities and to be in tune to their points of view whether i agree with them or not...instead of our differenced being a means for us to divide, lets us this as a means to come together, open up dialogue and hopefully open up each others minds broaden horizons and learn from that...and if we can't do that, instead of disputing we keep it pushing, yet still be cordial
so, i invite others points of views and experiences its facsinating to me...
i have learned as a man you have to open your eyes and see through,all the hooplah and bravado and see yourself for who you are and the world outside...you have to question: why do i believe in this? why do i do this? who am i? who are my associates? we have to question what we have learned and who we learned it from so,we can decide is this real? does this or that work for me? most people live life with blinders on their eyes, they accept what everyone else excepts without thinking, questioning and researching on their own...i have been fortunate to be around people in here who have taught me how to develope and grow and think outside, we have programs that show us how to develope in to innovators and leaders instead of blind followers...i am sorrounded by libraries full of books and intelligent people who know how to read, understand decipher, apply and teach to others is very inspiring and motivates me to step my game up...at one time or another, and in some ways still,we are decieved by things in the world...alot of times it was greed and pride that decieved people to commit their crimes, and pursuing the materials altered their perception of reality...a lot of people were influenced by gangs, the gang members altered their sense of reality...told them to hate, to murder to flood community with drugs...main thing i see though, a major perception altering entity is people's own narcississim, illusions of granduer and being self exalting...that also plays a big role in how the view others and interact...
Updated July 10, 2015
prison advocacy group:
a group of people who are incarcerated abnd who have decided to change from drugs and crime to righteous behavior conduct and moral integrity. we have changed from bad decision making to positive, healthy thinking and maturity.
Intentions: to pool our resources, skills, talents and efforts into a cause that sheds light on the mentality, emotions, thoughts, feelings, intelligence and humanity of incarcerated individuals. we intend to accomplish this by blogging and putting into a diary our daily experiences, which show the humanside of us, not the criminals and monsters we are portrayed to be. we intend to accomplish this through articles, poetry, life stories and inspirational messages, uncut and raw. our focus is to give a voice and a vehicle to amplify the voice, to and under represented section of society which is the incarcerated person. we are dedicated to righting the wrongs we have wreaked on the communities we are from, by changing our own personal behavior, and mentoring,our families, friends and associates so they will either refrain from making the same mistakes, or if they make the same mistakes encouraging them to stop and giving them a tools and an outlet. we seek to change the harsh oppressive conditions of the prison industrial complex, by sociliting outside help form individuals and organizations whom are interesting in representing incarcerated individuals, and who have the time, energy resources, means and compassion to donate to our cause, which is humanity. we hope people will see our efforts, and reward us with any assistance they are able to afford, and in doing so rise up and lessen the yoke of the oppressors and bring light to such a dark place.
plan of action: introduce the world to who we really are, we are typically sterotyped and viewed in a negative light because of where we are. we are human beings, just like anyone else, and we deserve a chance to be redeemed and accepted back into society, so we are creating our oppurtunities through our knowledge of self, and learning how society works and how to correctly function in society as productive people who abide by the laws. we seek reconciliation with the outside world and to reach out and touch people beyond these walls. prison is a lonely place and an essential part of survival is human contact beyond the everyday hum drum of officers and incarcerated people, we need to be rejuvenated by contact from normal society, and give of ourselves in return. we have established a platform where we can connect with victims of crime and crime victim's advocacy groups, to start and complete the process of healing. and ensure nobody else be victimized and hurt. we have established a safe interactive platform where incarcerated individuals and human rights and activists groups can correspond and grow together and develop into one common entity. family involvement: we encourage the families incarcerated people to join our movement and to share stories from their own lives and what it is like to have an incarcerated loved one. we ask families to spread the efforts of our advocacy group by word of mouth and help promote our cause to the general public at large by any means they can. we would like to have a photo album where people can submit photos, and we have sections where people can contact and email myself and the webmasters. and post comments on the web page, including likes, dislikes, suggestions and feedback. and where people interested in helping can connect with each other.
what we are not: criminals, self serving fame seeking glory seeking people, this is real honest from the heart and open to all. this is not for profit or personal gain, its for betterment of humankind.
July 12, 2015 Post
hide behind facades and mask
hide who you really are from the world
hide from yourself
hide from the truth, don't accept it
take refuge behind false perceptions and realities
hide from responsibiity
hide from accepting the consequences of your actions
hide the pain
hide the frustration
hide the disappointment
hide the fear
hide behind a wall of toughness
hide behind a wall of machoism
hide behind a wall of arrogance
hide the insecurities
hide the weaknesses
hide the self consciousness
hide the cowardness
hide from the low self esteem
hide behind an illusion of grandeur
hide the fear with a big mouth
hide the cowardness by picking on the weak
you are transparent people can see right through you because you ain't foolin no one but yourself
what do you have to prove?
whom are you trying to impress?
get in touch with who you really are, who yo can be and gain knowledge of the self
remember when you was lost
remember when you were blinded by the darkness
remember seeking acceptance and guidance from your peers
remember when you would have done whatever it takes to be somebody
remember feeling like a nobody
remember when it was cool to hang around certain people
remember when it was cool to do ecetain things
remember when all you cared about was what others thought of you, we call that image management
remember when your perception of self was different
remember when your perception of your peers was different
remember when your perception of the world was different
remember when you thought you knew everything
remember when you thought you had all the answers
remember what it felt like when you realied you were wrong thinking those things
remember when you was hard headed and stubborn nobody could tell you nothing and yo refused to listen
remember when you took good advice as an insult and someone tryin to tell you what to do
remember when you buckled under peer pressure
remember when you would have done anything to safe a little face
remember being caught up in gossip and rumors
remember everybod always talking about everybody behind their backs
but when they was face to face they was smiling
remember feeling like you was always messing up and couldn'tdo anythin right
remember when you felt like you had nothing to live for
remember telling yourself you will neverhave any regrets
remember wanting to be young forever
remember not thinkin you would live past a certain age, and remember when you got there thinking how time flies
remember thinking you only live once so why not go all out and go hard in the paint, you won't have this chance again
remember when you realied you would not be young forever